Thursday, September 06, 2007

I got big butt and I cannot lie

Ok fashion world, you're pissing me off. In fact you have been for the past few years. To make it easy for you to understand I have put my lecture into an outline:
I. Hip hugger jeans
A. Not for people with hips
B. Not for people under 18 or over 40
II. Skinny jeans
A. Should never be made in acid wash, even back in 84 when it was fashionable- the first time.
B. Should not come in any rise other than mid
a. High rise skinny jeans = prostimom
b. Low rise skinny jeans = prostiplumber
III. Distressed jeans
A. Dirty wash, the homeless look will never be in
B. Ripped- shouldn't have 'em if you don't earn 'em
IV. Button fly jeans
A. Can double as a chastity belt
B. Require diapers unless you're a champion texter and have super finger speed
V. Embellished jeans
A. Studs are for duds
B. If I want flowers on my ass I will get a buttineer

Next week my lesson will be, "Little Girls (women too for that matter) should not look like Bratz Dollz".

Now, if anyone can point me in the direction of the 'Under $40, skinny, dark wash, mid rise, no zippered ankle jeans department', I would really appreciate it.

2 comments:

Ruth said...

AMEN!! Does anyone design clothes for real people anymore? It is always depressing to shop for jeans that look & feel right. I look forward to your next installment about clothing for little girls. :)

Anonymous said...

Ripped- shouldn't have 'em if you don't earn 'em
Wow- Saved with that one!
Thought I'd be trouble. Oh Yeah, it DOES matter where the rips are
Dad