Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Last night I learned a little bit about myself. It used to be that I never got jealous- never. I remember one night, Mike was singing a gig at a Happy Hour hang out and one of his ex's showed up and gave him a big, slightly longer than appropriate hug and kiss on the cheek. I didn't even get a twinge of jealousy. And not because I knew I was hotter than her but I was confident in knowing that I had no competition for Mike's affection. Now, a different wind is blowing. Last night I realized after, I won't call it a fight, but an exchange of highly emotional differing opinions, that I was jealous. Not of another woman, 'cause I would just run her over with my Jeep, but of all the other things I've never had to compete with- and don't know how. Between Mike's job, his Grandparents, his whole family and Gryffin, I feel as if most of the time even when its just he and I it is still not just he and I. There is an everpresent cloud of stress that follows him around and overshadows the smiles and laughs that used to come so freely and often. I miss my husband. It seems several times a week he is caught in a tug of war between fulfilling his Grandson obligations and spending time with Gryffin and I. Having to choose, I will always want him to spend time with Gryffin first and I will take what is left. But may I just say again- I miss my husband. I know his family obligations are not permanent. Therefore, my epiphany was that I was being a pouty, jealous child and that if I didn't just deal and get over myself I would cause harm to the man I love. I was not being a supportive wife or friend and for that I appologized. We are always the most critical judges of ourselves but we are also the most reluctant to change. Not me- I want to be supportive and loving and that is what I will be. Maybe not overnight, but I am putting it in the forefront of my mind and heart and will work everyday on it.
at 12:35 PM